When I was younger I wanted a successful career, a husband and a couple of kids, holidays every year, a nice car and house and a crazy social life. Surely that life was guaranteed because I worked so hard? I thought I deserved that life and one day everything would slot into place and be perfect! I thought those things were what I needed to be happy.
Well, my life is very different to how I had imagined it. I have believed for the past few years that not having all those things means I am a failure with nothing to show for myself and I’ve felt utterly useless. It’s taken me a long time to realise that happiness doesn’t always come to us in the ways we think it should. It made me extremely sad for a long time and I felt like there was no point in carrying on. I was a waste of space who just took up doctors time and seats in hospital waiting rooms.
However, I’ve learned to appreciate the small things in life that so many others take for granted. I make the most of my better days because I don’t know when my next one will be. I spend time making memories with my favourite people and I look back on them when I’m not well enough to do things. They make me smile and inspire me to keep going through the bad days.
I won’t have anyone calling me mummy but that’s ok. I have a wonderful fiancé and 2 step-kids who drive me crazy but I love them to bits. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to do school runs or 3am bottle feeds?
My social life is having lunch on a weekday or a cup of tea and a take-away at home with my closest friends or going for dinner at my mums house. I might not be out dancing then stumbling home drunk but I’ve done it plenty of times in the past. Now, I can just enjoy the chilled out days because even having them is a good day.
I don’t have a successful career ahead of me but I do have my family, my friends, my hobbies, my dog, my house and finally the happiness I’ve been desperately hoping for. I look for happiness in every day. I don’t stress over the small things, I enjoy my time with my favourite people, I eat my favourite foods, I read about things I’ve never heard of, I teach myself new skills, I cook weird things just to see what it turns out like and most importantly, I embrace the wonderful mess my life has become.
This is a huge step forward for myself. I know now that I wasn’t pushed down the treacherous path, I just took the long way around. We all have happiness in our lives, we just don’t always notice it. ❤️ Perspective x