I’ve been pretty down lately. My legs have been giving me so much grief that I’ve contemplated chopping them off a few too many times. I don’t know if they are easing a bit or if I’m just getting used to this higher level of pain but I’m feeling quite good in myself. I was really sick at the beginning of the week and thought it was just going to continue. I woke up this morning, had some breakfast, stressed out about my stupid legs not doing what I wanted and got upset about not being able to take Gus to the park. I feel like I’ve been a bad pug mamma because I’ve not been able to take him on our usual visits to the park. I started to think he resented me for it a couple of days ago and fussed over him for ages in a desperate attempt to get him to love me again. Of course he still loves me but I didn’t believe that the other day. Anyway, after I’d stressed I pulled myself together and decided this pity party has gone on long enough! I wanted to be myself again. Not sick Vicki, not stressed Vicki, just ‘Vicki.’ I put more makeup on than usual, I actually gave more of a shit about how I was dressed and I just wanted to get out and be “normal” for a bit.
I honestly feel a bit more like my old self again today. I obviously still have the pain and struggles but my personality has crept out of the darkness and I laughed and chatted with Paul about things we’re looking forward to and didn’t fake any of it. I’ve set up new Pinterest boards of things I like and hope to get, make or visit one day. I’m thinking about the future. I’m thinking about how I am not my disability and how I deserve to have as much fun and experience new things as anyone else. I always feel beat down by people’s judgement on why I don’t look sick or why I can do things on some days but not others. I realised that I don’t need to play down my symptoms just because someone might have it worse than me. I am me. I know my body, I know it isn’t functioning as it should, my consultants know that and we all know scans and tests don’t lie. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I can have these problems and still have a life; a different life to what I wanted but still a good life. I’m lucky that I have good days and I’m lucky that I have supportive people around me to keep me going.
I consider myself a lot more lucky than those who haven’t yet discovered how precious life is. When I’m out of the house, I try and be in the moment rather than on my phone or moaning about what I consider to be “the little things.” I don’t want to miss anything. I still take a couple of photos because I like to look back on them and remember fun times but I don’t photograph everything. The world can’t be enjoyed through a lens as much as it can in person. I’ve learned this with being ill and having no choice but to miss out on things.
Missing out sucks but sometimes it’s vital to rest to prevent a worsening of symptoms. It’s not a life I would have chosen for myself but I’m feeling ready now to take on the world as my true self. I hereby promise myself that I shall not give so many fucks about other people’s opinions. I’m sick but I’m also fucking fabulous!